Possibilities

I first read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath in 11th grade. It was one of my independent study books for Creative Writing. I can honestly say that the book moved me to tears. Like many people must, I identified with Esther (Plath's protagonist and alter-ego) and her struggles with inadequacy and inability to figure out her goals. Esther/Plath writes:

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose…as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

This may be one of my all time favorite quotes. I just love the imagery of a fig tree full of possibilities and being so completely crippled that she is unable to go for any - sitting there watching them shrivel up and die. I so often feel like Esther. On one hand, I know I am capable of achieving almost anything I set my mind to. But... I fear failure and being recognized as inadequate that I'm unwilling to even try.